Lately I have been thinking and processing, what does it really mean to be honest and truthful to myself and others in a deeper level. It’s quite funny, that three of my closest friends are also in this same process. So what is it then? One’s own truth. Since I was small, I’ve had this massive burn to comprehend and search for the truth, in its different forms. I’ve wanted to understand, why things go and happen the way they do, what is my purpose in this life, who I am, why do we humans have a life and so on. I have lived like crazy, searched my boundaries and tried and explored everything I could imagine. I went through a long therapy, that was a very exciting and healing experience/ exploration. I’ve practiced three different professions, and I can say, that looking from outside, my life has been very colorful and full.
I’ve always had this idea of myself, that I am an extremely honest and a just person. I thought, that I don’t lie. Lately I’ve realized, that this is not entirely true.
In spite of my seemingly abundant and colorful life, with amazing relationships etc., my experience of it and of myself has been somewhat empty. It’s like, I would be sitting at this amazing dinner, having my favorite food, without being able to smell or taste it. All the other people are happy and enjoying the whole thing. I sit there, as if all would be fine. But, I have a secret that I am carrying. It’s a secret, that I don’t admit even to myself. It is, that as a matter of fact, I don’t smell or taste. This has been very confusing. I’m kind of there, but without this real connection to my senses, through which, I could indulge in the experience.
Now I am sitting here shocked. I’m thinking, how is this possible, that I, Amira 41, have not admitted this to myself. I’m thinking how incredibly rich, amazing and vulnerable journey human life is. How massively our childhood affects us, and how much we influence each other on the way. I see now, that I have been afraid to confront certain feelings of mine, and some parts of myself. By doing so, I have made an unconscious choice, to live my life with only half of my power mostly.
I am extremely excited and grateful, that this facade of mine has now collapsed and I have the courage to be more honest with myself. It (the learned pattern of lying to myself) all revealed itself, when I admitted, that I don’t feel, that I have emptiness in me. After that a lot of feelings started to surface. Life is ever so loving and merciful. It always gives us exactly the right circumstances and relationships, where we have the possibility to heal and come back into being in contact with our truth/ourselves.
So what is it then, this authentic connection to the outside world and to ourselves and how do we create it? My experience is, that it starts with self appreciation and unconditional love. We need to have the courage to question the norms and ways of being, that we, our family and the society have set. Also we need to have guts/balls, to act and think as an independent unit. We also have to be able to let go of ”our amazing” ideas and plans.
So often I notice acting on an outdated preconception or idea, without having checked it with my true needs and feelings. This meaning, my thoughts and feelings want different things. Or, I realize, that I am beating my head against the wall, because life is not supporting/giving me what I want. In that moment I end up facing my pride. Authentic connection asks again and again, that I’d be deeply humble and honest to myself. And it hopes, that I let go of being so stubborn and ambitious about getting somewhere!
Connection is about letting go of preconceived and learned ideas and coming in contact with what is now. It’s about stepping into our own river and into the flow of life. It is in that place, where we all need to meet our fragility, vulnerability and shame. This one is an amazing paradox, because when you actually do meet these uncomfortable feelings (well for me they are uncomfortable) and you act and express yourself, in spite of the fear, they usually transform into feelings of love and empowerment. Then, of course, to really enter into contact with your truest self, there needs to be forgiving- you get to that a lot! Especially forgiving yourself..
This is how I see it now:
1. Let be, that what is, without criticizing it. Stop running away and be ready to meet yourself and your feelings. Be interested in what is happening in you.
Lately I’ve been sitting on my couch a lot, just breathing and listening to the feelings and sensations in my body. I’ve even stopped watching my favorite tv-series, if and when I feel there is an emotion or a sensation rising that is out of the norm, and then given that my full attention. I’ve even sat with those emotions, that I’m scared of and that feel really uncomfortable. When I let them be, without doing anything, not judging them or myself, the negative emotions have slowly dissolved and I have experienced joy.
2. Express your truth. That meaning, what you feel and experience, what you want and don’t want. Stay in an open communication to yourself and to the other person or situation, even when the other one is not supporting your view or disagrees.
I recently had this experience where, a very important person for me, didn’t want the same as I did. In spite of that, I was honest to that what I felt inside and to what I wanted and didn’t want. I expressed it to that person face to face, even though, I almost fainted from fear in the process. My earlier way would have been to ignore what was really happening inside of me and not to express my feelings and needs. Thank god, this time I was able to act differently. I made a conscious choice to stay in connection with myself and my feelings and decided to speak them out, no matter what. The amazing thing was, thatI didn’t “die”, even though, I did loose that person. Hurray me, because this time, I didn’t loose myself and instead found my way back to myself. I’m so proud that I expressed my truth, even with all the shame and fear of abandonment. In the end I felt joy, love and empowerment. Of course, later on I also felt a lot of sadness. However, had I not spoken my truth, I would have continued the same old empty life, without being able to smell or taste it.
In theory I have always known this. It’s just that, in certain important situations, I haven’t had the guts to be truthful. How weird, that admitting and writing about this subject, feels embarrassing. Crazy, because me and everyone else have the absolute right to be authentically what we are, there is no other way.
A friend told me, that she had read somewhere, that the percentage describing how largely people lie to themselves is over 90% (of all the motives leading them to act). So not to their spouses, friends or family, but to themselves. This happens, because one cannot admit to oneself, what it is that they want. Instead they act and do what they think is expected of them, or the way they ”should”.
I’ve been afraid to meet myself as a whole human being, as well as face those millions of feelings and emotions that I’ve been pushing down and locking away somewhere in my body over all these years. All those locked up emotions, have been waiting for the moment, when I would have enough time, love and support to meet them. I haven’t been honest and haven’t directly expressed, what I want and don’t want. I have been afraid, that I am not enough and that I would be abandoned. I’ve been afraid to loose that person, I so care for. But, the truth is, that without both parties of the relationship being able to express their authentic truth, there is no real relationship since there is no connection. There is only something that doesn’t really taste or smell of anything. Or worse, life being lived just hiding and playing games.
I have always been a perfectionist and now that seems so secondary and plain crazy. It’s like committing suicide over and over again. Instead of all that “killing” of the real me, I want to give myself the room to be transparent, jagged and whole. I am willing to take the risk that I will not be accepted. I’ll do it, even though I am afraid. I wish to see, love and embrace what I truly am. I have no wish to polish the picture of who I am, not to myself or anyone else. I consist of many things. Some parts are very beautiful and some very ugly. There are parts, that smell amazing and some really do stink. I have all the feelings from A-Z. I’ve been holding on to an image/ perception/idea of who I am and how I should be. This has shadowed my authentic self.
When we don’t have the courage and the ability to express our truth and show ourselves without sugar coating, we slowly become angry towards ourselves and this undetected feeling of guilt starts growing inside. These negative feelings, that we are unaware of, will find their way out in many indirect ways. They find their way into the mind as thoughts that diminish us and criticize and devalue others. They stay in the physical body as tensions and can transform into disease. They also reflect back to us through outside circumstances. One concrete effect is that life doesn’t flow with ease. I have always felt that life is somehow against me, well no wonder, as I have been so against myself!
I love this new insight and path. I feel very much alive and life is exciting. It’s like I’m coming out of the closet! Before I ”thought” I could anticipate better, what would happen next and everything was “seemingly” more in control. It’s liberating, because now I have no idea what is to come. In a way I don’t even know who I am. And how could I know, as “I am” is something, that reveals itself step by step, moment to moment. I just have to be intensely curious and alert towards what I feel and experience and that’s it. I am that I am.
Have an amazing day ya’ll!
With ❤️ Amira