A friend told me this week that she is depressed. I told her that in my opinion depression is a result of unexpressed aggression or hate that has been pressed down for a while. From this thought our conversation continued to the feeling of shame, which I believe is self-loathing and finally we discussed about ones inner determination and if we let ourselves express that freely. I find this such an interesting topic. During each day we receive lots of impulses to express our will or desire and needs to set our boundaries. What happens if we systematically disregard these impulses. All that fiery energy of positive aggression that is supposed to flow outwards, that is created for expression and action, turns inside. Well that obviously makes us very angry as it is such a crime to the self. Then we hide this anger from ourselves, and boom! Ladies and gentlemen, we have created the Finnish national disease – depression. It’s like slowly forgetting who we are.
I am thinking that the name of the game is to boldly express ourselves. Funny thing is, that especially in Finland a straight forward self expression sometimes holds a slightly negative connotation. It is considered a bit arrogant as acting all controlled and calm is more acceptable in our society.
Regardless of what is acceptable in Finland, in my basic family or in the world, surrendering to myself, to my impulses and desires feels really good. In my experience, surrendering seems to be a channel to receive love. I practice this with joy and enthusiasm. Of course I get really nervous at times and my heart beats like crazy, but that actually means that I am alive. Fear and shame comes and goes, but they can’t stop me, if I don’t let them.
I am a master of analyzing and pondering. I am used to chewing everything to the very last bit and only after that I have been able to pass it on. No risks, no carelessness. I have used incredible amounts of time and energy to the most simple things. I have sticked with things instead of letting them, life and people flow through me.
About a month ago two clear images came to my mind:
In the first one I am standing and there is a stream of life flowing heavily through me. I am unable to move my feet, I am not even supposed to move them. In the stream there are people, things, experiences from A-Z, everything that human life offers. Things that come with the stream raise a lot of feelings and sensations in me and I have a hard time processing them all. I stand there and my attitude on myself and to this stream of life is that I try to grab, hold on, understand and ponder everything that flows through me. The law of life is that everything is moving forward, everything is just visiting, nothing stops. I am exhausted and scared. My body is in a constant extreme stretch because my feet are planted on the ground. My body hurts and muscles ache, I do so much work on holding on to everything. Everything is out of control, slipping through my hands and my fingers hurt.
In the second picture I stand on the same place and the stream of life storms through me. In this picture I no longer try to grab, understand or hold on to anything. I don’t try to force life or people into my will. Instead I stand there relaxed, in joy, acceptance and ease. I am like a water plant that sways softly and dances with the stream with its roots firmly on the soil. I still have a lot of feelings and sensations, but now I let them flow through me, I let them go. My body feels fantastic and I let everything touch me. Everything I come in contact with seems and feels wondrous and important. But not in a way that I would want them for myself. Everything can come and everything can go. I have accepted that this is how its supposed to be. I’ve come here to admire.
Have an amazing day ya’ll!