It is challenging to accept that I don’t know, that I don’t have a direction, and that I’m not interested in almost anything. But now, that I’ve been in this situation for a while, my attitude towards it and to many other things is changing. I’ve processed things from my past which has been very helpful, but it has also been good to notice that even though I have been totally blind for a year, nothing disastrous or bad has happened.
With this new state of emptiness I’ve started to listen differently to myself and my surroundings. Now I listen with care, honesty and sensitivity instead of stumbling forward with old preconceived ways, where there is no space for true connection to myself or my surroundings. This situation has forced me to accept and surrender to what is, even when it is something, that I wish not to face, something that frightens me, or something that gets me in contact with shame or pain. This emptiness has taught me to give in to present reality, without judgment and criticism. Just to look and see. Finally now something has shifted and I’ve started to enjoy my life and myself in a new way. I dare to enjoy that I don’t know, it makes life exciting and fresh. I know that I will feel and know in the present moment, so pondering and analyzing beforehand is not so useful.
I choose to trust, that everything I need to know is revealed to me and that everything I need comes to me, all in the right timing.
I needed to realize and understand, that I have everything I need. Even though I wouldn’t have what I ”want”. That in reality there is nothing missing in my life, and that it is not good for me to attach to every single thought and emotion I have.
One needs the ability to distinguish what leads and where. The mind and the habits we posses may want this and that. But if certain thinking, wanting something or spending time with someone makes me feel bad, uneasy, contradictory, or makes me feel, that this is not enough now, then I know it is not in alignment with my truth and the best medicine is usually to let go, let it be and to give time. The answers, knowledge and understanding about the whole, the situation and the experience comes very shortly after letting go. There is no hurry, all is well and I am safe.
I have learned to function better with my whole self and to let go. This happened, when I understood that certain thinking and behaviour cannot create peace, joy or the feeling of security. Then I finally realized what I want! I want to experience the feelings of being safe, peace, joy, excitement and happiness. I want to feel good about myself. Shortly after this I saw and felt which thoughts, actions and functions were contradictory to what I want to experience and create more in the present moment.
I have the possibility to relate to my circumstances, so that I feel safe and good. Now, not tomorrow! No matter how my outer circumstances present them selves in the moment. This requires acceptance and letting go. Also comprehension and understanding of the whole and. Ability to forgive and be grateful. Before I thought, that I need to have a particular job and money to feel safe. First I need a wonderful boyfriend and then I can be happy. The list was long. I thought becoming happy depends on getting something. It isn’t quite like that, and even though all basic things would be in a mess, hanging out in fear hasn’t helped me one bit.
Most important realization is, that all my thoughts and actions have a specific quality/vibrational frequency. Some are lighter/higher ones and some heavier/lower ones. There is thinking and activity, that creates happiness and peace and there is thinking and activity that creates unpleasant experiences, feelings and thoughts. The thoughts and actions, that make me feel heavy and contradictory, those so called ”negative” thoughts and functions have the purpose/desire to keep me stuck in my old familiar ”safe” way of being and experiencing the world. They create that same old experience and keep me in that loop, in that reality.
Sometimes I feel that I am really interested in a person or a thing, that something is really pulling me towards (could be food for example). But if the experienced feeling, is not good, or the situation is somehow difficult, conflicting, heavy, or alarming, I can choose to let it go.
You can also look at it this way. Thought and behaviour patterns are independent wholes/entities, that attract similar vibration. They create themselves, their own vibration again and again. This then takes shape as different kind of experiences, that has that same vibration/frequency in my physical reality. They are not good or bad. Not even very personal. All is neutral in itself. What matters is, what I am interested in. What sort of reality do I want to be connected to. What do I want to choose.
When I realized this, it is so much easier to let go of thoughts, feelings and things, that are not in alignment with my true direction and choose something else. Try something new. Choose to create good experiences and peace into my existence. This is so exciting and inspiring. To be fully responsible of my own reality. I feel immensely grateful for the fact that I am. That I am free to choose, have lots of will, and that I am the creator of my own life. Today I feel like a real explorer taking the first steps on my new and different kind of journey. Thank you.