Two and a half years ago I suddenly lost interest in all the things I had previously been doing and fell in to some kind of a vacuum where I felt like doing nothing. That scared the shit out of me and I felt like my life lost its ground. I’ve always been the one who was super excited, driven and ambitious about my work. Carrier, work and doing things has always created purpose and meaning for my existence. My identity and self worth have been strongly linked to what I have been doing, so when I lost my passion and especially my ambition, I fell into this empty void where I felt like I was worthless. I was really afraid that I would have to force myself to work without will, excitement and inspiration and for me that equals a slow death in a prison camp.
Six months later I started to write publicly. I’ve experienced many different kinds of phases during the past two years. First I wrote a new text every two weeks, ideas and inspiration just kept flowing. I was very relieved to be excited about something again and I fully relied on writing. Now that I had something to attach to and to occupy myself with, I was back feeling important and valuable. When someone would ask me, ”So what do you do?”, I had an answer. I was relieved and filled with energy.
Then came a phase where I started to look at my ideas very critically. I thought that I could write only if my topic was very good and important. Also, I didn’t write to myself anymore. I started to pay a lot of attention on the feedback and how many people were reading my blog. When I posted a new text, I kept checking how many people had liked it and I eagerly awaited feedback. If I didn’t get heaps, I felt dissatisfied with myself. Slowly I noticed that I was not getting as many new ideas on what to write about and I became afraid that the ideas would stop. It went to a point where I was thinking that I am not creative and I am not up for this or anything else. I had created a total block.
Looking back at these last two years and all the phases I experienced I see that I went through such an important lesson. I am truly and utterly grateful. During this confusing and scary two and a half year long process I kept hearing a voice deep behind all the fear and victimhood, it was awareness that was looking calmly at everything I was going through. It knew that what was happening was an important process of change, growth and letting go. It was my time to learn to love myself unconditionally. Learn about my truth and learn to understand and feel that I am loved and lovable without having to do anything, without having to earn love by accomplishing something and that I am valuable and cherished above anything. This has taken a lot of time and stillness and my work is not finished.
This fall it became two years since I started writing publicly. Last spring and summer I didn’t have much inspiration, I hardly wrote anything, maybe one or two texts during the whole summer. A couple of weeks ago I surprisingly found myself on my laptop writing a new text. Because it had been a while since I had written anything I noticed very clearly what happened in me now that I was writing. I was filled with energy and excitement. When I was doing something else, I noticed that I was hoping to get back to my writing. I was clearly more empowered, happy and excited than the previous week when I was not working on a text.
I wrote for myself for years before I started to share my writing. I could write for hours and the time just disappeared. I started to write publicly when I realised that I do it a lot and I love it.
Today I feel like it’s time to return to write for those reasons that got me into writing. Purely because it felt good, because I felt the need, because I was happier while writing. I didn’t write for you and I didn’t think what you and the world thought of me. I didn’t write to get attention, to be important, to be loved or to be worthy of something, and I didn’t think of the end result. I just let the words flow, come through me and I enjoyed the freedom. I wrote because I wanted to share my life journey, my experiences, thoughts and realisations with you. Actually I never really started to write. It was something that just happened. At some point I noticed that was sitting and scribbling text for hours and I was fully satisfied.
We all have things in our lives that cause our energy levels, excitement and joy to rise. But how often we discard these clear messages that come from the soul, this inner guidance and direction, and spend our time doing something where we end up tired, worn out, and sick. Work is done for survival and after that there is free time, time when we are allowed to enjoy life. It’s actually quite insane that in our society it is natural to do something that is displeasing, to do something that is not nourishing for the soul – for eleven months of the year. We are not used to stopping and being in stillness and we are definitely not supported in that. I think most people are really afraid of it and I don’t blame them. I was super scared myself even though stopping and listening to your self will almost always take a person back into their truth and power.
The process of letting go of these distorted social structures and values has been tough and scary, but on the other hand it has been very liberating and empowering. We say things like: we have to work, you can’t just be and do what you want, we have to be responsible, I would do what I want if I had the money, happiness is not everybody’s right, only the rich have freedom to enjoy, and so on.
When I feel into these old worn out patterns and ideologies there is this voice coming out of me and it’s screaming insanity! Could we just delete the word “work” from our vocabulary? It feels toxic. I notice that the way I think about life has changed and I cannot go back. I don’t want to do that which is “sensible” or “reasonable”, it just doesn’t work for me anymore.
Many people say that the lack of money is the reason why they are not stopping, taking time for themselves and doing what feels right. People say, “I cannot!”. I’ve said that myself. Many still strongly believe in hard work and that life is not supposed to be easy, joyful and light. We work intensely like slaves to everyone else but ourselves and the truth is that we are not doing well as a society. Does it have to be like this? We are living in this incredible reality where our thoughts, words, beliefs and feelings define and create our lives and our future. We are not powerless even though we have been told this for centuries, this is an illusion. It is our birth right to choose the quality and the direction of our lives.
The energy of prosperity and abundance is light, joyous and carefree, and there is limitless amounts of it. These aspects flow naturally and easily to wherever the matching vibration resides. Happiness and contentment invite abundance towards themselves like magnets, that is the law of the universe. I have all the support in the world when I courageously engage with what feels right in my heart, even though my mind would scream: “You are crazy, it won’t work!”, and it does scream! I just have to be brave and trusting and to take that step. We all have incarnated here with a special mission and purpose. I don’t believe that we humans can be healthy and balanced, live harmonious and satisfied lives, without giving the world these precious gifts that we all carry inside us. We have an innate need: a programming to live, execute and fulfil our deepest dreams and wishes – our divine purpose.
When we do that what feels right and fulfilling, it always takes us in the right direction. This keeps us in a path that is designed for each of us individually and always takes us towards our highest purpose and life mission. Joy and ease are like road signs and when they light up, I know I am on the right path. Sometimes it can be that I’m not supposed to do anything for a long time. It could be that for weeks I don’t know anything. My wise friend Kuldip said to me in the mist of all this: “Amira, your body, mind and soul are coming together, so don’t make a move before you feel a real call, a deep need. Don’t glitch before your soul invites you to move”. I thought OMG what if the movement never comes. Well, the movement came, it just took a lot of time and I needed all that time.
Slowly, I’ve started to understand that there’s a lot happening in stillness, sometimes a lot more than when we are in action. It can be that your direction and interests in life change completely. In the level of the mind this is horrifying and what would feel safe would be a steady job, calendar full of different activities and clear plans. But in the level of the heart it feels different. There I yearn for freedom, space and flexibility. I need lots of time for doing nothing and I want to give myself the space to be in constant change. Actually, the fact that I don’t know and trustingly dive into the stream of life, feels right, good and invigorating.