Living in spontaneity

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Croatia, Split, Mary’s park

Lately I’ve payed attention to the fact that this world is really going through chaos, and so is my emotional life. I feel like nothing stays put like it did before and the energies are moving rapidly in different directions. At the same time I’ve noticed that during the past year I’ve experienced more synchronicities and magic than ever before in my life.

Chaos makes me feel uncomfortable but it holds this unexplainable harmony within itself. I feel that life supports you and currently shows you what is important faster and clearer than ever before. In my life everything is bouncing like I was on a trampoline. Relationships have suddenly come to an end and at the same time gorgeous, new and exciting relationships have started magically. This chaos and the fact that I don’t know what’s coming next has made me feel quite anxious. Yesterday I had this thought that this chaos will not ease in this life and that it will more likely just increase. So what I need to do, is to learn to calm myself in amidst it and maybe one day I’ll even learn to enjoy it.

I’ve been a freelancer all my life, so I haven’t really enjoyed a very stable life ever and still I feel that life is more unpredictable than ever. Something has changed. As I said earlier, energies seem to move a lot faster than before and adjusting to this takes its own time. Deep inside of me I have this knowledge and understanding that everything that happens in the physical world is perfectly orchestrated. Everything is connected and nothing in this universe happens by itself or in separation from the whole. Everyone and everything has a purpose and everything is always moving towards balance/homeostasis. So when we look at something from a wider perspective we can say that everything is always well, even though it would not seem so in the now. We can trust that in the big picture everything is on its way towards harmony.

This is not something that I just learned from books. No, this is a knowledge that I carry in my very cells, we all do. Every cell has its own task in this incredible whole that is the human body. All the cells work beautifully together towards balance. We humans have this invisible connection with each other. I see this connection as a kind of web that everyone and everything is attached to. Everybody is contributing to this whole that we are and the human body is a reflection of this. Thinking about this always blows my mind because it is so incredible. Nothing and no one in it is a coincidence.

When this existence of ours, that includes all the people and everything in it, works in mathematical perfection, why do I still feel anxious even though everything is actually sweet? It’s because my mind cannot comprehend or control the totality of it. I would so much want to know, prepare myself for what’s coming and understand. I think that if I knew I would feel “safe”. No, this is not the way. It is time to learn to calm the mind because things have shifted and there is no return. Old times of control are over. New energies do not support control. They support curiosity, surrender, truth, acceptance, letting go, freedom, being in the body and being in the present moment. Tomorrow I am not the same as I was today. What helps is when I start to let go of the idea that I have this fixated persona that lives and repeats itself in this linear experience we call life. Like this it becomes easier to let go of what was yesterday and the need to control. This perspective supports me in the ability to surrender to what is and helps me to hear what is essential and important for today.

It brings me ease when I understand that the voice in me that is afraid and wants to control is only one part of me. I am learning to trust and support myself. I say “dear, everything you need to know is revealed to you and everything you need comes to you”, “you don’t have to worry, everything is sweet, you don’t need to know, you don’t need to control, you can do this, you are safe”.

As my mind is so used to being afraid and in control, I had this idea that I’ll re-train it so that I familiarise it to be in the verge of new by doing things little differently every day. Also doing new and different things every day will sensitise me to hear my inner messages and helps widen my perspective about the world and myself. Yesterday I was cooking tofu and instead of using herbal salt I used cinnamon and honey. It was so good and it made me happy.

The mind seeks safety by doing familiar things. Here we arrive to this fundamental misunderstanding, “I am not safe”. In reality we are always safe, but this rooted feeling of safety and ease cannot be experienced within the mind and we cannot get it from our physical surroundings either. This real feeling of safety and security can only be found and developed through awareness. It rises through the body, the heart and the present moment and from the realisation of our true expansive being, so the self calls us to love, accept and work through the feelings, blocks and the parts of ourselves that we have put aside over the years. We cannot run from our shadow.

Even though my mind feels safe in the state of control and stagnation, this really doesn’t bring me happiness. Here’s some examples how I seek “safety” through repetition and some examples on how I can support myself to surrender into this state where I can have more opportunities and more exploration and expansiveness.

  • I always go into the same spot in dance class / I take a different spot, I see the teachings form a different angle and I am next to someone new.
  • I mostly cook the same foods / I try different dishes and experiment on different spices, so there is a possibility that I create something new and amazing.
  • I walk the same streets / I walk different street and paths and I see new inspiring views.
  • I travel to a same places again and again / I travel to a new countries and get to experience and learn from new cultures.
  • I don’t speak to people I don’t know, even though I feel like saying something to that person next to me on the bus stop / I express myself freely and I get to experience new connections and I get the possibility to give help and to get help. Maybe this person next to me gives me the answer to this question I’ve been asking.
  • I go to the same restaurants and cafe’s / I go to places I haven’t tried before and I get new experiences and I get to try different tastes.
  • I start my day in social media, meaning I start my day listening to other peoples ideas and views / I start the day by taking time with myself. I meditate and  feel into my body and listen to myself.
  • My closet is filled with clothes and beautiful earrings and necklaces and I still end up wearing only few of them / In the morning I take a time to feel what clothes, jewellery and colors would feel good today. I take time so I can be creative in regards of how I wish to express myself with clothes today.

New is exciting and seeing and doing new things brings energy. When I give my mind new stimulus every day, it gets used to this and hopefully doesn’t stress so much. Change is the real and natural state of life, not stagnation. We weren’t created to repeat the same. The fact that I know and can predict what’s coming creates this false sense of security and control. It does not bring deeper joy, excitement and does not expand or help you learn to trust life or yourself. This kind of security is not based in real self-esteem or self knowledge. Feeling of security and self-confidence that is created through control is superficial, and will usually scatter when the outer circumstances change or fall apart.

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Perth, Watermans Bay

If I already know who I am, what reason do I have for living? “Who am I?”, is a question for the rest of my life as well as a life long exploration. When I say “I know!” it is over. No, I don’t know, I don’t know at all. If I would choose one thing for next year to practice, it is listening to myself and acting from that space. I find this so important now. I believe that when I allow myself to be on the verge of new I will naturally start listening and hearing my needs, my guidance and my own way more clearly. Even though embracing and living in spontaneity can be stressful and quite scary for me and I say “I wish I knew and all would be easier”, it still is the thing that makes life worth living. On the verge of new, I am alive.

With ❤️ Amira

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