Wow, what a year 2017 was, probably the most unexpected so far. The year started with a break up from a relationship that didn’t feel good. The whole thing was really challenging because it had very similar elements to my relationship with my mother. It also had a lot of the same problems that I didn’t have guts to address and face in my past relationships. But as we know life never leaves us and now life offered me a grand opportunity for empowerment, change, liberation and growth through this relationship. I was faced with experiences where I got the chance to make the choice to not leave myself this time, to be brutally honest with myself and work through the elements that still needed work. This relationship was a very important life lesson to me. It forced me and taught me to listen to myself, to set my boundaries and to trust the messages of my body and intuition. Through this relationship I was shown bluntly with no filter that I was still choosing and honouring the truth of the other person instead of my own, and then I got the chance to end this highly toxic behaviour pattern. I think the greatest gifts I got were: a confirmation that I can always trust my feelings and the messages coming from my body and a concrete understanding that my intuition (inner voice) is strong, clear and trustworthy.
In amidst all the sadness and confusion rising from the break up, I heard this voice inside me saying “Good Amira, you did it, this was the end to these kinds of relationships and now you are ready for a new kind of a relationship”. The voice continued, “by letting go of this man, you released painful old energies that you were holding on to, and you also said no to many people in your life you had not said no to”.
It’s astonishing how strongly we want to hold on to these old behaviour patterns and energies that bring pain. We say “I want a wonderful loving relationship” and still we stick to these relationships that are far from love.
I started to realise that I had always formed my relationships through my head, without really being in my body. This was tough to face. I vividly remember asking my friend, Nora, years ago “how do you know that you love?”, she answered “you just feel it”. I remember how confused I was because I didn’t understand and I didn’t feel it. In regards to my friends I’ve been in my body for a while already. With them I feel love and it is easy for me to express my needs and choose my own wellbeing, but obviously this has not been the case with men.
I spent January and February processing all of this and in the end I came to a very desperate place within myself. I felt that I was done with relationships, that I don’t want to love, I don’t know how to love and that love is not for me. This was a devastating feeling. All my life I’ve wished for a harmonious partnership and worked relentlessly towards it and now I felt that I was done hoping and I just didn’t believe anymore.
I had never been to an astrologist, but in February my guidance led me (or I can say pushed me) to get a reading from Kirsi Halla-Seppälä. To my surprise, I heard an interesting explanation to this hopeless feeling that had taken over me. Kirsi said that a lot of this feeling I was experiencing was due to past life experiences. When she described to me these past life events in detail, this nasty hopeless feeling inside me started to grow. She explained that many lives ago I had made a solemn oath due to a painful experience. I had decided that I will never love again and that love equals total destruction and this then escalated from one life to the next. She said that I had not experienced a fulfilling relationship for lifetimes and that it is so sad as it really does not have to be like this anymore. She said that I have an enourmous capacity to love and to be in a relationship. In the end she smiled and said, “well the great thing with all this is that because this is a misunderstanding and not true at all, you can finally let go of this scenario”, “in this life your soul has decided to change this pattern as it has gone too far”. I was blown away.
Something inside of me changed after this session. What Kirsi had said resonated strongly in my body. I understood that the hopelessness and the belief that I didn’t know how to love was not true and I felt much lighter.
March came and I got this feeling that I wanted to travel somewhere warm. Bali had been popping into my mind for a few years already. I think it was a Friday afternoon when I said to my friend Tara, “I wonder who would join me on a trip to somewhere warm?”. Sunday morning my friend Johanna sent me a message saying that I had popped in her head in her morning meditation and she sent me this ad to a sound healing retreat in Bali. We had a little chat and decided to go there together.
Little over a months time we were on our way. We travelled together for two weeks and then one Sunday night Johanna left to go back home. I was to stay for a few more weeks on my own in Bali. The next morning after Johanna had left I went to have breakfast by myself. I went to one of my favourite cafe’s and chose a long table that had a beautiful view to the rice fields and thought how boring it was that Johanna had left. At some point I noticed this guy sitting on the other end of the table by himself. I thought that it would be nice to talk to somebody, so I tried to get eye contact, but he acted like he didn’t notice me. At some point he dig up this huge two litre metal water bottle from his backpack and what came out of my mouth was, “wow man, that’s a big fucking water bottle!”.
Now we have been together, loved and adored each other for eight months and I have to say that the voice in my head in January was speaking the truth. This relationship is completely different from my pervious ones, without undermining them at all. All my relationships have been important and precious. What makes this experience so different is that, thank God, I am not in my head anymore. I can say that I love this man with my whole body and being. I feel it concretely and when I look him in the eyes my heart reacts. Life is so funny. See, I had decided that because I most likely will not have children in this life, I don’t have to live with a man. I can be in a relationship, but have no need or want to share my home with a man. From this eight months that we have been together, we have now lived together for six months. It just happened without any kind of planning or decisions. There has also been this abundance of all sorts of incredible synchronicities, magic and support from the universe, which I have not experienced so strongly before. Life really wants us to be together.
I bow and I thank myself for all the hard work that I’ve done over the years to learn to love myself in a more true and deep way. It was so worth it. It is so wonderful to be with someone now and have the courage to let myself be who I am with honesty and without fear or sugarcoating. What makes this especially great is that this is a joined motto. For both of us the most important thing in this life is the exploration of the self, the truth and growing in love. We are committed to each other and we want to consciously create and live a happy, joyful, abundant and exciting life.
How amazing it is to share your life with someone. Grow together, to be your own separate selves and walk hand in hand in this incredible and wondrous journey that we call life. I’m especially grateful, that we have the same direction and values. Everything has felt really natural and easy from the start. Even the kitchen stuff. This does not mean, that we would not have fights or strong deep processes to go through. Of course we do. You will always have them when two people with histories get together. But how these processes are handled in this relationship is a new experience for me. Now there are two of us who want to learn from them and solve these issues with respect to the other one. We both take responsibility and do our best to stay out of victimhood. Neither of us want a co-dependent relationship, so it is great that we are aware of this pit and do the work to stay in our own individual power and love. Your partner is never the source of your happiness, rather they are a mirror or the reflection to your own self love and self appreciation.
We have very different personalities and are in different phases of growth, which felt really challenging at some point, but lately it has started to feel like an enourmous gift. Wonderfully, the areas where the other one is strong, the other is weaker, so we can beautifully support one another. It is a fact that if you want to be good at something, you need to practice everyday. I have to say that we are getting better and better in this relationship thing, because we are motivated and we consciously practice to better our team and to be better to ourselves and to one another.
Love and partnership is an enourmous resource. It is wonderful to witness and support the journey and growth of your loved one and it is fantastic to give and receive. Now is good.
I wish you a fantastic year 2018!!!