This spring has been quite a ride emotionally, not to say that my life isn’t like that pretty much always. I have always felt everything strongly. There have been a lot of joyous occasions, especially my wonderful new acting job – a stage production of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in the Suomenlinna summer theatre with an amazing group of people. But, there has also been a great deal of stressful happenings and change, inside and outside.
For example, my partner moved to Finland from Australia, which was wonderful, but at the same time the move triggered him and through that our relationship went into a huge process. Within all the turmoil my focus shifted strongly to what was happening outside of me, especially to my partner’s needs, who was going through a big change and I started to avoid being in my body with all the tricks that I’d found to be useful.
Now when I look back at my life I see more clearly how much I’ve lived life through other people, especially in my intimate relationships. I fall into this trap so easy because I am an empath and I strongly sense other people’s emotions and energies, so I tend to leave my focus on the needs of my loved ones and forget to ask myself the most important question – how do I feel? It’s like I slip into looking at life through the relationship and through my partner’s world and forget what life is standing on my own two feet. For example for me, couple dance is a huge source of good vibes and I have hardly danced in the past year. I’ve said to myself that I don’t feel like dancing and I don’t miss it, but now I see differently. When I am in a relationship I subtly loose interest to the things that are important to me, which of course means that I give myself and my needs less attention. It’s like in the relationship I am not as important as my partner.
This year my body has really been trying to wake me up and get my attention. I’ve had all sorts of aches and pains for a longer time already and finally the ligaments in my left ankle got torn, but I just kept on going. I continued avoiding the important time of being with myself, especially in silence. I stayed in movement and when I was alone I watched a lot of Netflix. At the same time I was aware of this self sabotage. I understood that I needed to make a change soon and let go of something, but I just couldn’t find the strength and clarity to stop evading myself.
Then I started bumping into this lady’s name – Susan Hedman, who is a channeller working in Helsinki. I had never met her, but a few of my friends had been to her sessions. I kept hearing her name come up here and there and the final thing was when I started hearing in my head this sentence from Bob Marley’s tune – Turn Your Lights Down Low and the words were “I got a message to you girl” and after came Susan Hedman’s name. Message was received and I booked a session with her.
It ended up being a very important meeting in many ways and levels. I received lots of support, clarification and clear honest mirroring. She spoke and explained to me beautifully about my difficulty being and experiencing with my body, because of my high need for control and because of this I end up relating to others through my head. She saw how strongly I focus on other people because it is easy for me to sense their needs due to my sensitivity, but doing so I give myself and my needs less attention, which then scatters my energy and makes me feel lost. She said that it is important that I feel my body and that I am aware of my breath when I communicate with others. I got so much from our session, the biggest thing was that I got the push and the motivation to get back into alignment with myself, my body and my power. I made the decision to stop avoiding.
Next day at work I had and interesting experience. Years ago I suffered from panic attacks and even had a few on stage, which is absolutely horrible. Anyway, I was on stage in the middle of the first act when I noticed that I had hard time concentrating. Suddenly I started to feel these old uncomfortable feelings in my chest. I became afraid that I would forget my lines and went fully in to all sorts of horror fantasies and soon I couldn’t really feel my body. I kept thinking what to do and then a voice in my head said “breathe, breathe, breathe” so I followed the advice. I shifted all my focus to my breath and concentrated on breathing as deep as possible. Soon I started to relax and noticed an interesting phenomenon. It felt as if my body started to see instead of my mind. The experience of time changed and I started to hear in a different, more wide and full way and all panic and insecurity disappeared. There I was, fully present, enjoying myself as my lines kept coming out of me in a new rhythm. Even though my focus was fully on my breathing, I was with colleagues and completely aware of what was happening. With my breath I shifted back into the present moment, into a fuller experience of life, dropping from my head into experiencing life through my body.
As I walked home late that evening I was in a deep state of presence. There was no hurry and my body felt like a sweet, lovely and safe place to be. I let myself be slow and I enjoyed the warm summer evening and its beauty. This was an important experience where I learned a lot. How breathing and being alive walk hand in hand and how breathing grounds us and opens the connection back into the body, and to the power and wisdom of our spirit. Breath is so soothing and it is like an anchor that always brings us back into the present moment.
How wonderful it is to expand the view of myself and my existence! I especially realised how much more I can breathe, how much wider and deeper I can be. This experience was challenging, but I understand that without it, I would not have had such a concrete realisation and understanding.
Lately I’ve mainly concentrated on breathing and I’ve felt more relaxed. I hear and see more clearly. I now know what it is that I need to let go of and I don’t want to and won’t resist change anymore. It’s like there is this new found strength and confidence gathering within me. How much we control ourselves and the flow of life by not breathing! We use it to avoid sensing ourselves and meeting our truth. But the more stormy life gets the more breathing it requires, this I learned now. When you feel scared, disorganised or confused, breathe. I remember my yoga teacher Inderjit saying, that it is so important that we breathe down in our lower belly because this activates and balances our root chakra, which helps us feel safe and keeps our feet strongly on the ground. Breath really is the root of life and brings us back in balance.