Year ago in December a lovely astrologist Kirsi Halla-Seppälä told me that the year 2018 will be a year of receiving and surrendering for me. Great! Finally an easy year, I thought. Life will give me abundantly and all I will do is receive the goods. Well it hasn’t been quite like that.
By September three of my closest relationships had come to an end. A partnership and two friendships. It all happened in six months time. I couldn’t believe it and I felt so confused. I missed them all tremendously. I thought of Kirsi’s reading and was wondering, how all this relates to receiving and surrendering? The relationships that had ended all had a very similar dynamic. I understood that I was given a massive lesson, otherwise all this would not have happened in such a short time.
So what is receiving then? Of course I know what it is and I can explain it to you easily, but if I’m being honest I didn’t understand it in my body, it was not integrated in my being especially in my close relationships. It is quite easy for us human beings to absorb knowledge and learn by reading and listening to others and their experiences, but it is a different thing to know than feel. To know things in the head is just the beginning and doesn’t mean the experience is realised in the body level (the level of the self). When one knows and understands something in the mind, it usually still takes a long time until they reach an integrated experience or realisation. Reality and the self are something we experience in the body, this phenomenon is an experience and therefore not science of the mind.
The main process and theme this year in these relationships has been the experience of not feeling valued. Bluntly said I felt I gave a lot, but didn’t get much back. This experience repeated itself time and time again. I wanted more appreciation and attention. I wished to feel that that these people I so loved cared for me. The problem was not that I didn’t express my needs, I said what I felt and what I needed, but that didn’t make any difference. So I thought what should I do. Should I give more? Understand even more? Should I know how to love more and let go of this need for appreciation?
I woke up one morning in September angry, really angry. It felt like hate and anger were pushing out of every single pore I had and I was suddenly aware of all moments and situations from long time back when I had experienced not being important. I saw situations were I gave up and didn’t say “this won’t do” or “enough!”. But instead I gave up my needs, what I wanted and what feels good to me, because I understood that the other person cannot do better. I realised I almost never got angry, even though the Universe gave me many experiences from all walks of life, where aggression, anger or a strong feeling of “this is not acceptable” should have surfaced. My fundamental feelings were buried under my spiritual ego. I “a spiritual person” do not get angry, because I understand!
For a little over a week I was like an erupting volcano. Lava just kept flowing. That week I started to run, otherwise I would have probably exploded. Running helped. I saw very clearly that I was fully responsible for my rage and my experiences. I had no one to blame, not even myself, the one who had not been aware of her lack of boundaries and how she was causing harm to herself. So I yelled my rage and loneliness, my sadness, fear and disappointment to mother earth. I gave it all to her to be transformed.
Our experiences are always a reflection of our own energy, our subconscious currents, feelings and thoughts. All is love, also everything we consider negative. What ever is happening in life happens for our highest good. For years and years I had been piling up this rage and anger. Nobody told me to stay quiet, undervalue myself and stay in relationships where my needs were not met. I made every single choice. Nobody said I was not allowed to stand tall for my feelings. I’ve had the permission even though I haven’t always used it. Because of this I haven’t felt my pure power and my beautiful positive aggression, got distorted into fear, hate, rage and victimhood and this had become a pattern. This is why I needed such a big lesson, as I am probably the most stubborn person in the world. Positive aggression has an important purpose of preserving our feelings of spaciousness, peace, joy and freedom.
Most times we are not forced, we just feel like we don’t have a choice (oh I am a poor victim…) and yet we have subconsciously created every situation we encounter. I saw how in close relationships I escaped responsibility by creating a strong mental world, disconnected from my body or my feelings. I bypassed my intuition and my body and imagined myself away from reality, by fantasising, understanding and creating explanations. Like this I actually escaped the present moment.
With all these events life was trying to wake me up, it was trying to empower me and to get me angry. It was helping me to become aware of the enormous rage that was dwelling under the surface. When we have a good self-esteem our positive aggression doesn’t transform into anger anymore and we don’t create or attract these situations where we feel unworthy. Underneath the anger there is always fear of rejection, sadness, feelings of unworthiness and in a deeper level experience of separation. We are responsible for our own experience of separation and we all have the keys for opening the connection to our heart and inner love. This connection to our soul energy and oneness never disappears as it is a fundamental part of us, so just turn the focus inwards, and be patient. When you make an intention to open your own source of love, it must happen.
I feel grateful from the bottom of my heart for life and for all the persons involved in this lesson. I am still in process with the balance of giving and receiving. They are gradually opening in me and for me. I have no problem or shame in being incomplete. At the moment I feel like the thing is not that I “should” know how to love or understand others more, but instead I need to be courageous enough to see myself, other people and the reality as it is, and give myself a permission to experience balance and love by choosing to be close to the people with whom I experience love and caring.
After all this I’ve been very clear and verbal to my friends about my needs. I have told them what makes me feel important and my friends have heard me and they’ve taken me seriously. It felt very vulnerable to express my longing to feel loved, but after courageously opening myself to my friends, I’ve really felt in my body that I am important and loved. There has been no need to use imagination anymore. Since taking this inner responsibility, I have also felt a new kind of power and peace within. When the journey with some of our loved ones comes to an end, life always brings something new in return and this has happened to me too. That what is more suitable for us, cannot come, we cannot receive it, unless we first let go of something old in ourselves and in our lives, as it’s all about energetic resonance reflecting back. When we do let go, empty space always fills up. We all have the power to choose what we fill it with…