The year 2018 was a hard one, forcing me back to my center on every turn and twist. Feels like the phenomenon still continues. Life is not allowing me to leave myself, even for a moment. This of course is a wonderful thing and is gradually rooting me more deeply into my true self as well as to the present moment, but it is also exhausting. Feels like my subconscious programming, wounds and fears are not hiding and lurking in the shadows anymore, but have become visible to the eye. The situation demands patience, acceptance and grace from me, reaching towards my heart. It whispers “let go”.
Before it was easier for me to stay in control of life and myself, take so called “time out” by escaping into work, into some brainless activity or loose myself in another person. Now for some reason this does not work anymore. Many things, thoughts and activities that I used to identify with and that actually defined my sense of self – who I thought I was, don’t resonate anymore. I have no other option than letting go of everything. This has been frightening. The amount of light has massively increased on this planet and it is affecting on all of us. Light uncovers everything.
I believe there is a collective transition happening – people learning to surrender to their hearts instead of identifying themselves with their minds. What seems to help me in all this is physical movement. I’ve danced, worked out, and started running. I’ve skied and done long forrest and sea shore walks. Feels like the nature has started to look more and more beautiful and I see more of its details. I want to share here some of the beautiful moments I’ve encountered during past year. In the midst of all the challenging life changes, natures silence and its colors and the strong energy of presence has been the best support for me, together with the physical movement. I’ve also meditated daily. Sometimes I’ve questioned if meditating actually helps, but in these turbulent times I’ve found that being with my inner silence has a very calming effect. I think we need different things depending on how we feel. Sometimes swimming and being with water is the best medicine, another time a talk with a friend. I notice that it would be better not to always follow a pre-thought plan, but instead listen: “what would feel good today?” This is not always easy, as I’m so used to being in control and just go, go, go, but I do receive more if I stop and listen.
All my life I’ve lived in a strong control with enormous inner demands. This has made my inner world very uneasy and insecure even though it might not have seemed that way to the outside. Feels like nothing has never really been enough and I’ve always felt that I “should” achieve and be more than I am. Now life and my current life situation is really strongly guiding me to focus on very small, simple and ordinary things. It’s forcing me to be humble. To do things just because they feel good, not because there is something to be gained or achieved. This has felt baffling and even empty, as I have always done everything with some kind of agenda. On the other hand when I choose to just surrender and not be afraid of the emptiness and the fact that I don’t see further into the future than my nose, I can accept that I have a lot of empty space in my life and this space creates a possibility for new to grow. I am actually in fertile ground. What do I like and what do I want to do, if I don’t have to achieve or prove anything to anyone? Who am I, if I don’t need to prove anyone anything?
In this process I’ve thought about my experience of being whole. Getting used to the fact that there is space in me for all kinds of feelings and sensations, not just good ones. It’s about integrating the so called negative aspects of me. Those parts that I have so carefully hidden from others and myself. The aspects that I have been ashamed and afraid of. The parts of myself that I don’t accept, I cast outside of my awareness. These abandoned parts have not disappeared, instead they have affected me strongly through my subconscious and I have bumped into them continuously in my daily life in form of events and relationships. We always attract that what we are, not what we want to be.
Before I wanted out of my body, away from the proximity of my painful wounds. I controlled and looked for joyful and light states of mind with the help of my imagination and with the thought of being spiritual. All this so I wouldn’t have to face my primal wounds and be present. This kind of escaping makes life feel like a real rollercoaster and does not bring peace. The circle is more than familiar. I cry and weep in anxiety, then gather myself and start trying, start collecting hope and climbing up again. For some time I am happy and hopeful until life happens and takes me back to my roots and the circle start all over again. I feel like now I do have more understanding, grace and compassion.
In the beginning of this year I lost control and met my core wound, or at least I think this was what happened, let’s see. I met the wound so profoundly, that I feel like there is nothing to control or run away from anymore. The wound is with me now, ones in a while it echoes in my body and mind. This experience of losing control has been so strong, that I haven’t been able to talk or think myself out of what is and I don’t even want to. I’m tired to run because I know I can’t escape. We meet the mirrors of ourselves in daily life all the time. I broke my heart and got disappointed five times last year. There is no other way, but to take responsibility for my shadow. I don’t mean I need to dwell in pain, it’s more that I feel like this old darkness, pain or wound can now be a part of me and at the same time it doesn’t define all that I am. I have a lot of different things in me that can coexist without judgement. I am all the love, joy and wisdom but also all the darkness, anxiety and narrow-mindedness.
Tolerating and accepting my own worthlessness, pain and feeling of not being good enough as a part of who I am feels challenging, important and necessary. When I urge myself to let go of control, my body and mind relaxes immediately. Today again I choose love. The world is endlessly beautiful. It’s -10 degrees celsius outside and lots of snow. All is going fine, I think I go and ski.
With ❤️ Amira