Through my whole life, since I was a little girl I have witnessed this enormous emptiness or silence as a part of me. It has felt like an open black hole that is dark, invisible and limitless. I have tried to avoid and escape this experience in all ways possible. I’ve kept busy, retreated into my head, binged on TV and controlled my breath. These are just a few of the ways I use. Slowly I’ve started to realise that this experience of emptiness and silence is actually a deeper part of my being, it is the part that is connected to all life and all living beings. It’s the Universe within me. Through this part of me I have a possibility to experience everything in a profound way. Through this emptiness I am connected to my soul energy and I can experience oneness and recognise myself in everyone and everything.
As a child I remember feeling scared and agitated while watching the stars in the sky and imagining the limitlessness of the universe. My mind had already taken over. Because of the same reason, it has been so difficult to face that vastness within me, the great limitless potential that we all are. (In this context I could also talk about the ego, but I choose to talk about the mind and its energy as I feel it demonstrates my purpose better here). My mind is limited. This part of me wants to know and understand. When I look at the world through my mind, it’s like I’m in a box – I’m in my familiar and safe experience-based, harmonically or enharmonically structured world. Here I know and if I don’t then I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what I don’t understand, so I need to understand, control and name all that I see and experience. I need to know and anticipate!
Throughout the years and especially during the past year I’ve had experiences where I drop into this pure, natural experience of love, where the part of me that needs to understand and control is not present. Because of these experiences I’ve slowly started to understand and appreciate the beauty of this emptiness within me and I’ve allowed it to be more present in my everyday life. Now the silence is not so scary anymore. In these experiences I’ve realised that by naming and giving meaning to the things that I see and experience I attach myself to the energy of my mind and I actually cannot get into contact with the deeper part of myself, or with what I see and experience. By naming I mean knowing – in the moment of meeting, I observe the other person, thing, animal, plant or tree through my thoughts and past experiences, through knowing or thinking that I know what or who is in front of me. When I give name and when I am in my head, I am not really present. I lose the chance to form a deeper connection and I cannot recognise myself in my experience. Through my mind my experience is very shallow and limited.
This spring I met a wonderful man. Being with him has really supported and taught me about surrendering and getting more comfortable with my deeper essence. Daily meditation has also helped a lot. I’ve noticed that when I look at him through the eyes of my mind I cannot really reach him. What I reach is my projections, fears and the experiences from my past relationships. I reach what I think he is, what I think I know. When I let go from my minds energy, from thinking of knowing who and what he is and how he operates, I drop into pure experience. I connect to the present moment where I can experience him and myself in all our fullness.
This is how I do it – I don’t focus on the other person with my eyes, but I drop my vision and awareness into my body and into my energy field. From there I feel and sense the other person’s energy with curiosity and wonder, like my whole being and my energy would be my eyes. Like this I drop myself into the present moment, into the place of innocence and not knowing, where life always feels exciting and vulnerable, where it feels like we meet for the first time. It really feels like it’s the first time and no wonder, as we are constantly changing and new. We are never really the same exact whole that we were just before. Life, another person and everything we come in contact with becomes instantly wondrous, because in this level I no longer “know”. I no longer have a preconceived idea of what or who the other is. It feels heavenly and the experience is always more than I could ever imagine. A lot of the time ones own strong presence pulls the other into the state of presence, or at least it helps.
To grant myself more freedom and permission to not know, to not rule and be in control fills me with tremendous gratitude, deep peace, softness, joy and excitement. It’s unbelievable that I am allowing this side of me to take more space as this has been the hardest thing for me as long as I can recall. But living life in my head is like no life at all. In my head I will never get to experience the love and beauty that wants to flow through me nor can I reach the limitless beauty and essence of an animal, a plant, a tree, another human being or that of nature. My mind cannot reach that what is the same for all life, where we and all that is meet and are one and the same. So with joy I choose to let go, I choose to give up the need to control as often as I can. It is easier when I realise that I really have nothing to fear by choosing to give up the lead. My mind cannot see what my heart sees.
I don’t feel like my mind is my enemy. It’s just that when I live in my head my experience is somewhat limited and when I give my mind power over me everything becomes much more difficult. Nowadays when I get stuck in my head I feel quite childish as I also lose the wider perspective, but that’s okay, growth is a back and forward motion. Collectively we are all in a transition stage, we are maturing and slowly becoming adults. The energy of the mind has overruled everyone and everything for a very long time and slowly but steadily its era is ending, or better said transforming. Our world needs balance and I believe we will achieve it when everyone slowly balances the energies of the mind, the body and the spirit within themselves. It is the time for the mind to leave the director’s chair and return to serve heart consciousness and the love that we all are.